How do I stop checking my ex's Instagram and stories?

To stop checking your ex's Instagram and stories, make checking harder than not checking: mute, unfollow or block them, add friction to the app on your phone, and plan a specific replacement action for the moments the urge hits. Then treat each urge as a wave that passes rather than an order you must follow. Research suggests that keeping tabs on an ex online is linked to slower recovery, so reducing it is one of the most useful things you can do for yourself.

Recommended resource: for the full step-by-step method, Scientific Ways to Get Over a Breakup by Manthan Bhendkar (founder of Asendify) covers this in depth: What the Research Says Actually Heals a Broken Heart. PDF, £304.50, instant download.

This is general education, not medical or psychological advice. If you are struggling to cope, please speak to a GP or a mental health professional.

Why checking keeps you stuck

Looking at an ex's profile can feel like relief: you get a small answer to "What are they doing? Are they happy? Have they moved on?" But the relief is brief, and the questions come back stronger.

In a 2012 study of 464 people, psychologist Tara Marshall found that monitoring an ex-partner's Facebook page was associated with more distress about the breakup, more negative feelings, more longing for the ex and less personal growth, even after accounting for offline contact. The study looked at Facebook, but stories and posts on Instagram offer the same kind of window into someone's life.

Each check also teaches your brain that the urge leads to a reward, which keeps the habit going.

Step 1: Decide your rule in advance

Decisions made in a calm moment hold up better than decisions made at midnight.

1. Write down a simple rule, for example: "I won't look at their profile, stories or tagged photos for 60 days."
2. Note why. "Each time I look, I feel worse for the rest of the evening" is more persuasive than "I should".
3. Tell one trusted friend, so you are not holding the rule alone.

If you share children, work or a living situation with your ex, you may still need practical contact. Keep that to the channels and topics that are necessary, and keep social media separate.

Step 2: Remove the easy route

Use the tools the platform gives you. Instagram lets you mute someone's profile so their posts stop appearing in your feed, and you can also mute their stories, unfollow them or block them.

• Mute is the gentlest option and works well if unfollowing would cause drama in a shared friend group.
• Unfollow removes them from your feed altogether.
• Block is reasonable if you keep searching for their profile, or if contact feels hurtful or unsafe.

Then go further:

• Clear their name from your search history.
• Archive or hide old photos together for now. You do not have to delete them; you can decide later.
• Consider muting close mutual friends whose stories often include your ex.

Step 3: Add friction to your phone

Small obstacles cut down automatic checking.

• Move Instagram off your home screen, or log out after each use so you have to type your password.
• Use your phone's screen-time settings to set a daily limit on the app.
• Keep your phone out of the bedroom at night, when urges often feel strongest.
• If needed, delete the app for a few weeks and use the website only when you must.

Step 4: Plan what you will do instead

An urge without a plan usually wins. Write a short list of replacement actions you can do in two minutes:

• Text or call a named friend.
• Go for a short walk or do a few minutes of exercise.
• Write down exactly what you were about to look for and what you hope or fear you would find.
• Use a slow breathing exercise until the urge eases.

Urges tend to rise, peak and fall if you do not act on them. Each time you ride one out, the habit loosens a little.

Step 5: Deal with the slips

You may still check at some point. That does not undo your progress.

1. Notice it without harsh self-criticism.
2. Ask what triggered it: boredom, loneliness, alcohol, a mutual friend's post, late nights.
3. Add one piece of friction that targets that trigger.
4. Restart your count from the next hour, not next Monday.

Step 6: Fill the space with your own life

Checking often fills a gap left by the relationship. Recovery speeds up when that gap is filled with something that belongs to you.

• Plan regular time with supportive friends who help you move forward rather than replay the breakup.
• Try something new: a class, a route, a sport, a project. Novelty helps rebuild a sense of who you are on your own.
• Look after the basics. The NHS's Every Mind Matters has practical advice on low mood, including staying active and keeping a routine.

If low mood lasts for weeks, affects your work or sleep, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, talk to a GP. In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies. If you are in crisis, call 999 or contact Samaritans on 116 123.

Key takeaways

• Monitoring an ex online is linked to more distress and slower recovery.
• Set a clear no-checking rule in a calm moment and tell a friend.
• Mute, unfollow or block, and clear search history and reminders.
• Add friction to your phone and plan a two-minute replacement action.
• Treat slips as information, not failure, and restart straight away.
• Seek support from a GP or talking therapy if you are struggling.

If you want a structured plan, Scientific Ways to Get Over a Breakup has a section on the ex online, covering research on monitoring exes, a six-step protocol, the urge to post and what to do when you cannot mute someone, plus contact rules and a 30-day plan. You can also browse the wider Asendify library of practical playbooks.

FAQ

Will my ex know if I mute them on Instagram?

Muting is designed to be a quiet way of seeing less from someone without unfollowing them. If you are unsure how a setting works, check Instagram's own help pages, as features change.

Is it petty to block my ex?

No. Blocking is a boundary for your own wellbeing, not a message to them. If you find you keep searching for their profile, it can be the kindest option for both of you.

What if mutual friends keep posting them?

Mute those friends' stories for a while, or ask a close friend not to share updates about your ex. Most people will understand.

More playbooks on other topics: https://www.asendify.co/books/

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