How do I get over a breakup?

You get over a breakup by doing a few small, evidence-backed things repeatedly rather than waiting to feel better: cut down contact and checking, look after sleep, movement and people, put the breakup into words, and rebuild a sense of who you are on your own. Recovery is rarely a straight line, and bad days in the middle are normal. If the pain is not easing over weeks, or it is affecting your daily life, talk to your GP or a mental health professional.

Recommended resource: for the full step-by-step method, Scientific Secrets to Getting Over a Breakup by Manthan Bhendkar (founder of Asendify) covers this in depth: What the Research Says Actually Heals a Broken Heart. PDF, £600.00, instant download.

If you're struggling or thinking about harming yourself, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line now (UK: Samaritans 116 123; US: call or text 988; India: Tele-MANAS 14416).

This is general education, not medical or psychological advice, and nothing here can promise a particular outcome.

Step 1: Reduce contact and checking first

Reminders such as messages, photos and their social media reopen the wound a little each time. Practical steps:

• Agree or set a contact rule. If you do not share children, work or a home, a period of no contact gives your mind a chance to settle. If you must stay in touch, keep it brief, practical and written.
• Mute, archive or unfollow rather than scrolling. You do not have to make a dramatic statement; just make checking take more effort.
• Delay the urge. When you want to text or check, set a timer for 20 minutes and do something else. Urges usually peak and fade.

We cover these in more depth in how to stop the urge to text your ex and how to stop checking your ex's Instagram.

Step 2: Look after your body and daily routine

Heartbreak is felt physically as well as emotionally: poor sleep, low appetite and restlessness are common. The NHS's 5 steps to mental wellbeing are a useful frame here: connect with other people, be physically active, learn new skills, help other people, and pay attention to the present moment.

In practice that might look like:

• A fixed wake-up time, even after a bad night.
• A daily walk or other movement you can actually manage.
• One regular meal you do not skip.
• One message or call a day to a friend or family member.

None of these removes the pain, but they give your week some shape. If sleep is the main problem, see how to sleep after a breakup when you keep overthinking.

Step 3: Use honest reappraisal when you idealise your ex

After a split, many people replay only the best moments. A small lab study by Langeslag and Sanchez (summarised by the British Psychological Society) asked 24 people who were still upset about a breakup to view photos of their ex while using different strategies. Thinking about the ex's negative qualities ("negative reappraisal") was the only strategy that reduced feelings of love. It also made people feel worse in the moment, and the study only measured immediate effects, so treat it as a tool, not a cure.

A balanced way to use it:

• Write a short, honest list of things that did not work in the relationship: incompatibilities, habits that hurt you, needs that went unmet.
• Read it when you notice yourself idealising, not all day.
• Keep it fair. The aim is a realistic picture, not hatred, which tends to keep you attached.

Step 4: Write about it, but in a way that helps you move forward

Putting the breakup into words can help. In a randomised study, Lepore and Greenberg (2002) asked students either to write expressively about a relationship breakup or to write about neutral topics. The control group showed short-term rises in tension, fatigue and cold-like symptoms; the expressive writing group did not.

The evidence is not all one way, though. A later study of recently separated adults by Sbarra and colleagues (2013) found that for people who tended to ruminate heavily, deep emotional writing was linked to worse distress months later.

So a sensible approach is:

• Write for 15-20 minutes on a few days, not every night indefinitely.
• If you notice writing leaves you going round in circles, switch to more practical writing: what you are doing this week, what you want next.
• Stop and get support if writing makes things markedly worse.

Step 5: Rebuild who you are without the relationship

A breakup can blur your sense of self, especially after a long relationship where plans, friends and routines were shared. In a study of 210 recently separated young adults, Larson and Sbarra (2015) found that people who reflected on their breakup more often (through repeated research visits) regained a clearer sense of who they were, and that this clearer self-concept went along with less loneliness and fewer intrusive emotions about the breakup.

Ways to rebuild:

• Pick up one activity you dropped or always meant to try.
• Spend time with friends who knew you before the relationship.
• Notice when you say "we" and practise describing your plans as "I".

A worked example: one ordinary week

Say Priya's two-year relationship ended last month. In one realistic week she archives the chat and mutes her ex; walks 20 minutes each lunchtime; writes for 15 minutes on two days; keeps a short list of the relationship's real problems for when she romanticises it; rejoins her old football group; and texts one friend each evening. Wednesday is still a bad day. That is expected; what matters is the overall direction.

Common mistakes

• Waiting for closure from your ex. You may never get the conversation you want. Closure usually comes from your own understanding.
• Constant checking "just to see". It keeps the attachment active.
• Numbing with alcohol or endless scrolling. Short relief, slower recovery.
• Going it alone. Talking to people you trust, or a professional, is a strength, not a failure.

When to get professional help

Sadness, crying and poor sleep for a while are a normal response to loss. Speak to your GP, a therapist or a counsellor if low mood lasts for weeks without easing, you cannot manage work or daily tasks, you are drinking or using drugs to cope, or you have thoughts of harming yourself. In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies. If you take medication for your mental health, keep taking it as prescribed and discuss any changes with your doctor.

If you're struggling or thinking about harming yourself, contact your local emergency number or a crisis line now (UK: Samaritans 116 123; US: call or text 988; India: Tele-MANAS 14416).

If you want a structured guide

If you prefer a step-by-step plan, the book Scientific Secrets to Getting Over a Breakup (formerly Scientific Ways to Get Over a Breakup) is one option. It is a self-help PDF of about 35 pages that summarises published research on heartbreak and turns it into practical steps, including contact rules, reappraisal, expressive writing, body-first recovery and a 30-day plan with worksheets. It is education, not therapy. There is also a free No Contact Counter with a day counter, a 30-day checklist and a craving timer.

Key takeaways

• Cut down contact and checking first; reminders keep the pain fresh.
• Protect sleep, movement, meals and daily contact with people.
• Use honest, fair reappraisal when you idealise your ex.
• Writing can help, but switch approach if it makes you ruminate more.
• Rebuild your own identity, interests and friendships.
• Get professional help if things are not easing or you feel unsafe.

FAQ

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

There is no fixed timeline; it varies with the length of the relationship, how it ended and the support you have. Many people notice gradual improvement over weeks to months. Read more in how long it takes to get over a breakup.

Should I stay friends with my ex?

It can work later for some people, but trying straight away often keeps hopes and hurt alive. A period of distance usually makes any future friendship easier to judge clearly.

Is it normal to feel physically unwell after a breakup?

Poor sleep, appetite changes, tiredness and tension are common responses to stress and loss. If physical symptoms are severe or persist, see your GP.

Does no contact actually help?

Reducing reminders and contact makes it easier for intrusive thoughts to settle, though it is not a guarantee. See does the no contact rule work after a breakup.

Last updated: 2 November 2026

More playbooks on other topics: asendify.co/books

Looking for a different topic? Browse all 23 Asendify books by topic.